Vampire Mountain Idol
by roxypony
Summary: up next: Truska cracks that whip and makes err'body trip just like a circus!
1. A Mr Tiny Production

So i know this idea has been done like millions of times, but not yet in this fandom as far as Im aware. If anyone was hoping it would stay that way, then obviously thats their problem and no ones forcing them to read this. Kay? So if you dont like it, we can take it outside. I think people will either love or hate this fic.

I plan on updating weekly, chapters wont be long, consisting mostly of copy/pasted song lyrics. The real fun is at the end, where the readers VOTE to decide who will be come Vampire Mountain Idol!

As you will notice, the three Princes are kinda playing the respective parts of the three original American Idol judges (Simon, Paula, and Randy) If youve never seen the show, chances are you dont live in North America, bt you can still enjoy and vote ;)

I dont know how many chapters there will be, i think at least 10. Each character gets one chapter, one song, one chance to impress the readers.

Just so youre forwarned, I dont own ANY of the songs that will be featured.

First chapter isnt very long, exciting or good, just setting up for the action.

And i think thats all, enjoy!

* * *

One morning within the depths of Vampire Mountain, young Darren Shan was awoken by the sound of approximately 7 large creatures of the night banging on his bedroom door screaming his name. To fix the situation, he used a method which is not reccomended when living with such creatures: he pulled the blankets over his head and proceeded to ignore them. This resulted in the knocking down of his door, followed by said creatures piling on his bed.

"Darren Shan, I assume you have a most excellent explanation for this." said Larten peevishly.

"Why didn't...you tell me...you planned...something _else_?" Harkat said with great incredulosity.

"Dude, a friggen disco ball? In the Hall of Princes? Seriously?" Arrow glared.

"I did not appreciate the laminated blue sparkling abomination I found attached to my coffin with that terrifying adhesive magic you call tape!" Seba wailed.

"Yeah. What he said." Mika added. "Only it was taped to my FACE!"

"That's why you don't sleep in your throne like a nerd..." Paris muttered. He got severely punched.

"I can't waaaaaiiiiittttttt!" Kurda squealed. This went unnoticed.

"For what?" Darren gasped when he shoved his friends off his bed and was able to breathe normally again.

"For that." Mika glared, pointing at a laminated blue sparkly paper taped to Darren's door (which now lay on the floor.)

Darren picked up the offending paper and read it:

**VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL**

_TIME: __**TONIGHT!**_

_LOCATION: __**RIGHT HERE IN YOUR VERY OWN HALL OF PRINCES**_

_PRIZE: __**N/A**_

_JUDGES: __**MIKA VER LETH. ARROW. PARIS SKYLE.**_

_HOST: __**TO BE ANNOUNCED**_

"A re-creation of that disgustingly overrated American show? In our ancient and respected Mountain? Darren, how could you." Larten snapped.

"Don't worry about it, just cancel up the blue sparkly crap and forget about it." Mika suggested. "And it WON'T happen again."

"It wasn't me!" the boy Vampire moaned. "Come on, even I wouldn't-"

"Wait...what is...that?" Harkat pointed to some very small text at the bottom of the paper...

_**a Mr. Tiny production. no copyright infringement intended. all rights reserved.**_

"Mr. Tiny?" squeaked Darren nervously. "Just kill us all now..."

"Know what this means, bro?" Arrow mumbled unhappily.

"We're gonna have to sit in those stupid chairs and drink _coke." _Mika groaned, making it sound like a dishonourable death sentence.

'AT...LEAST...YOU...DONT...HAVE...TO...SING...FOR...MR TINY!" Harkat yelled as best he could.

"Ummm....Mr. Tiny...Ohhh he's that little dude with cute little watch? Prada had something like that in their new winter collection. Sooo darling."

"They had Mr. Tiny in their winter collection?" Darren asked, momentarily distracted.

"No, buttnut, he means the watch." Arrow snorted.

"HEY. What did I say about name-calling?" Paris scolded.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" Darren wailed. "We have a massive problem on our hands!"

Harkat didn't hear him, he was hyperventilating, sounding like he was in labour.

Neither did Larten, he was muttering to himself and rubbing his head.

Kurda was bookin his iPod, singing random bits of random songs in an unhealthily high pitched tone.

Mika was staring at the ceiling looking totally desolated.

Seba was digging in his ear muttering about what an abomination this situation was.

Paris walked out of the room.

Arrow was banging his head against the wall.

Darren went to go retrieve his taped collection of American Idol episodes.

* * *

So thats it, if you liked it even a tiny bit, please review, join my facebook fan page (link on profile) keep reading, check out my other DSS fics, etc, blah blah blah, the usual advertisements.

:)

*Roxxy,


	2. Hibernius Takes It Off

Zoom in on Vampire Mountain. Nothing to see. Zoom inside Vampire Mountain, where we find 3 Vampire Princes stepping out of their rides: A huge black GMC Sierra for Mika, a dark orangey Dodge Ram with Hemi for Arrow, a silver Lincoln Navigator for Paris, and a deep crimson Hummer H3 for the Hostess...

Cool voiceover: _Welcome to Vampire Mountain, home of the good, the bad, the ugly, the gorgeous, and the downright insane. We come to you live tonight in search of raw talent that will take one lucky creature to the top of the universe! Brought to you by Desmont Tiny Productions and Roxypony Studios International, hosted by Roxypony herself, along with our three celebrity judges, we are live, and this is VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL!_

We zoom in on the stage, set in the Hall of Princes. We find Mika, Arrow, and Paris sitting in their "thrones", each with a little cup of a mysterious drink called "Coca-Cola" which they find themselves enjoying, although they are eyeing the befuddlement of lights, cameras, speakers and wires with great displeasure. Hostess Roxy sits on a sparkly red stool on the left side of the judge's panel. The producer, Mr. Tiny, appears to be late. No complaints there. Zoom outside the hall, waits the line of potential Vampire Mountai Idols.

Says Camera Guy #1: Going live in 3...2...1!

"ITS VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOOOLLLLLLL!" screams Roxy, knocking over her stool and startling the judges. Paris falls off his chair. Arrow spills his coke. Mika looks severely upset.

"Welcome to the original DSS American Idol Ripoff, season 1! I'm your host, Roxypony, representing Roxypony Studios International and Desmond Tiny productions. Now, I give you our three celebrity judges..."

The camera rolls to the Judge's Thrones.

"MIKA VER LETH!"

Mika nods.

"PARIS SKYLE!"

Paris waves with both hands.

"ARROW...UM...I GUESS HE DOESNT REALLY HAVE A LAST NAME, SO, ARROW!"

Arrow gives the 3-finger peace sign.

"I'm your host Roxypony, and you're watching VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL!!!!"

General applause.

"Now give it up for our first contestant, all the way from..." (reads info paper) "...all over the place, I hear he's out to do a bit of advertising for a certain little Freak Show, give it up for HIBERNIUS TALL, EVERYONE! HIBERNIUS TALL!"

Mr. Tall (holy balls, we haven't seen him in like, ever!) takes the stage... does a cool little bow and a backflip...

"Yes, I see." said Mika.

"I'm Hibernius Tall and Imma be the first Vampire Mountain Idol!" he proclaimed loudly.

"You look like a beautiful person!" Paris informed him.

"What you gonna sing for us today, bro?" said Arrow

"I'm singin Take It Off."

"I am dreading this performance." Mika states.

Hibernius took no notice, and proceeded:

_"There's a place downtown,  
Where the freaks all come around.  
It's a hole in the wall.  
It's a dirty free for all._

When the dark  
Of the night comes around.  
That's the time,  
That the animal comes alive.  


_Looking for  
Something wild._

And now we lookin' like pimps  
In my gold Trans-Am.  
Got a water bottle full of whiskey  
In my handbag.  
Got my drunk text on  
I'll regret it in the mornin'  
But tonight  
I don't give a  
I don't give a fuuuuck

There's a place downtown,  
Where the freaks all come around.  
It's a hole in the wall.  
It's a dirty free for all.  


_And they turn me on.  
When they Take It Off.  
When they Take It Off.  
Everybody Take It Off._

There's a place I know  
If you're looking for a show.  
Where they go hardcore  
And there's glitter on the floor.

And they turn me on.  
When they Take It Off.  
When they Take It Off.  
Everybody Take It Off.

Lose your mind.  
Lose it now.  
Lose your clothes  
In the crowd.  
We're delirious.  
Tear it down  
'Til the sun comes back around.

N-now we're getting so smashed.  
Knocking over trash cans.  
Eurbody breakin' bottles  
It's a filthy hot mess.  
Gonna get faded  
I'm not the designated  
Driver so  
I don't give a  
I don't give a fuuuuuck

(In the waiting room, observing the audition on closed-circuit TV, Larten says to Darren: "Guess where WE are never going again."_)_

There's a place downtown,  
Where the freaks all come around.  
It's a hole in the wall.  
It's a dirty free for all.  


_And they turn me on.  
When they Take It Off.  
When they Take It Off.  
Everybody Take It Off._

There's a place I know  
If you're looking for a show.  
Where they go hardcore  
And there's glitter on the floor.

And they turn me on.  
When they Take It Off.  
When they Take It Off.  
Everybody Take It Off.

Oh, oh, oh!

EVERYBODY TAKE IT OFF!

Oh, Oh, Oh!  
EVERYBODY TAKE IT OFF!

Right now! TAKE IT OFF!  
Right now! TAKE IT OFF!  
Right now! TAKE IT OFF!

Oooh.

Right now! TAKE IT OFF!  
Right now! TAKE IT OFF!

EVERYBODY TAKE IT OFF!

There's a place downtown,  
Where the freaks all come around.  
It's a hole in the wall.  
It's a dirty free for all.

And they turn me on.  
When they Take It Off.  
When they Take It Off.  
EVERYBODY TAKE IT OFF!``

And he finishes the song with a series of backflips.

There is a shocked moment of silence. Mr Tall grins like he's just won the universe.

"See, Imma be the first Vampire Mountain Idol!"

"Oh, dude...no man, just no." Arrow groaned, rubbing his head.

"I thought you had an excellent effort, but this competition just isn't right for you. Keep going with your Freak Show thing. You have a beautiful smile." said Paris kindly.

"I'll be suprised if you ever get business again after that performance was aired on live TV." declared Mika.

"Imma try it again!"

"No, thank you."

"Okay, here I go!"

"You're done. NEXT!"

_"There's a place down town, where the freaks-"_

"Hibernius. If you do not leave this room, there's a stake downstairs with your name on it."

Mr. Tall makes a threatening move towards Judge Mika. At this point, security intervenes and Mr Tall is escorted from the stage, displaying his middle fingers for all to see.

"And now a quick message from our sponsors." concludes Host Roxy, taking position between Judges Mika and Arrow. She appears to be humming "Take It Off."


	3. Darren gets the Best of Both Worlds

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you by Red Gatorade, official drink of Roxypony Studios.

_Flashback to before commercial break:_

_Mr Tall: Take it off, take it off, everybody take it off!_

_Arrow: Dude, no..._

_Paris: This competition just isn't right for you._

_Mika: __I'll be suprised if you ever get business again after that performance was aired on live TV._

_(Brief shot of Mr Tall flipping off judges as he is dragged out of the hall.)_

Zoom back onto present stage. Mika is leaning back in his chair, looking like he'd rather by dead. Arrow is texting, and quickly put his phone away when he sees the camera, then flashes the peace sign. Paris is smiling happily at the audience. Roxypony is on her stool, bitching out one of the camera operators. She send him on his way, then runs to center stage.

"Vampires, vampire fans, judges, little people, 'tarded camera guys, readers, spiders, and contestants, please help me welcome our very own Darren Shan!"

Darren wanders out onto the stage, looking slightly nervous. At the door, Harkat waves and wishes him good luck, but confuses the Thumbs Up sign with the Death's Touch sign. Darren turns green but keeps going.

"Name?" says Mika.

"You know my name!" Darren squeaked.

"Name?" Mika repeats, glaring at Darren over his Coke cup.

"I'm Darren Shan!"

"Thank you. Proceed."

Darren coughs, and his music starts. It is a tune everyone knows all too well.

"Charna's guts!" Arrow groans.

"Please, no." Mika grumbles.

"Interesting choice." Paris adds. "the Hannah Montana theme song."

Darren begins:

_You get the Essie out front  
Hottest stuff, every phone, every color_

_Yea when your a Prince it can be kinda fun  
It's really you but no one ever discovers_

_In some ways you're just like all your friends  
But in the Mountain you're a star_

_You get the best of both worlds  
Chillin' out, take it slow  
Then you rock out the show_

_You get the best of both worlds  
Mix it all together and you know that  
It's the best of both worlds  
The best of both worlds_

_You go the Vampire Council  
Play with wolves out in the snow  
Livin' two lives is a little weird  
But school's cool cuz nobody knows_

_Yea you get to be a small town boy  
But big time when the Vampires come out_

_You get the best of both worlds  
Chillin' out take it slow  
Then you rock out the show_

_You get the best of both worlds  
Mix it all together and you know that  
It's the best of both  
You know the best of both worlds_

_Trials of Death and killing Vampaneze  
I get to touch the stone of blood  
The best part's that  
You get to be who ever you wanna be_

_Yea best of both  
You get the best of both  
Come on, best of both_

_Who would of thought that a boy like me  
Would double as a Vampire?_

_You get the best of both worlds  
Chillin' out, take it slow  
Then you rock out the show_

_You get the best of both worlds  
Mix it all together and you know that  
It's the best_

_You get the best of both worlds  
Without the scars and the hair  
You can go anywhere_

_You get the best of both worlds  
Mix it all together  
Oh yea  
It's so much better cuz you know  
You've got the best of both worlds_

He finishes with a funny little hop, and spreads out his arms in an attempt to look like a pop star.

Arrow's eyes are wide with something that looks like Absolute Horror.

"What WAS that bro?"

"That was my song!"

"Man, you had like a Hannah Montana meets Chick From Twilight thing goin on there! I'm sorry dog, I got a bad vibe from that."

Mika's turn:

"Because the original song just wasn't hideous enough, you just had to edit the lyrics. I hate to say it, but your version was a disgrace to the original song."

Darren is almost crying at this point.

Paris finished it off:

"I thought it was a ...cute performance. You look like a beautiful person, but this isn't the right competition for you. You should try to write your own song, then come back and sing it for us next year." (Arrow and Mika both give him dirty looks.)

"NEXT!"

Darren sobs indeciphirably and stumbles out of the room, tripping on a cord and taking some equipment with him. The screen goes kaplooey and makes a fizzley noise. Before everything goes boom, we hear Roxy yelling, "GO TO A COMMERCIAL!"

* * *

** Project RLH.

for every review on this chapter, I will donate 2 dollars to Haiti Relief Effort via Text message.

This is not a bribe or a trick to get more reviews, so if you have a problem, take it somewhere else cuz these people need help and this is my way of reaching out. xxx

* * *

ps, i know doing the Hannah Montana theme song was a bitch move....but i thought it was funny ;P

better songs to come. i will feature more characters than the TVF 8 in this fic. Whoever asked, there will be Steve, or whoever it was you asked about, he'll be here ;D

*Roxxy,


	4. Seba is a Hunk of Burning Love

Hey :)

Soo i have good newss. From the reviews submitted for Chapter 3, we have raised 10$ for Haiti in just 3 days :) thanks guys, they appreciate it. And yes, I did send it (via text msg). I don't waste time lying about shit. If you know me, you know im damn honest.

More good news: UPDATION!!

i dont own the song, (elvis does) or characters, or American Idol. blablablaahhh.

* * *

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you Uggs, official footwear of Roxypony Studios.

Flashback to before commercial break:

_Darren: You get the best of both worlds, without the scars and the hair, you can go anywhere..._

_Arrow: you had like a Hannah Montana meets Chick From Twilight thing goin on there!_

_Mika: Because the original song just wasn't hideous enough..._

_Paris:...cute performance. You look like a beautiful person, but this isn't the right competition for you._

_(Brief shot of Darren sobbing incomprehensibly and staggering out of the room, then the camera equipment falling apart.)_

Says Roxypony: "Now, please help me welcome to the stage...(looks at paper)...Ohhh hot damn, fasten your seatbelts and don't make any sudden movements, folks. Welcome, straight from the janitor's closet of Vampire Mountain, Seba Nile!"

At first nothing happens.

"I said, welcome Seba Nile!"

Then the lights go dark, a red strobelight blinds everyone, and out runs Seba, looking like...a sexy old man... in a sparkly white robe, a sparkly purple guitar, and huge sunglasses

"_Lord almighty, I feel my temperature rising, hmm_

_Higher, higher, it's burning through to my soul, hmm_

_Girl, girl, girl, girl, you've gone and set me on fire, hmm_

_My brain is flamin', I don't know which way to go, yeah._

_Your kisses lift me higher_

_Like the sweet song of a choir_

_You light my morning sky_

_With burning love, hmm._

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I feel my temperature rising_

_Help me I'm flamin', I must be a hundred and nine_

_Burning, burning, burning, and nothing can cool me, yeah_

_I just might turn to smoke, but I feel fine, hmm._

_'Cause your kisses lift me higher_

_Like the sweet song of a choir_

_And you light my morning sky_

_Burning love._

_Ah, ah, ah, with burning love._

_It's coming closer, the flames are now lickin' my body_

_Won't you help me, I feel like I'm slippin' away, yeah_

_It's hard to breathe, my chest is a-heavin', hmm, hmm_

_Lord have mercy, I'm burning a whole where I lay, yeah._

_Your kisses lift me higher_

_Like the sweet song of a choir_

_And you light my morning sky_

_With burning love_

_With burning love._

_I'm just a hunk-a, hunk-a burning love_

_I'm just a hunk-a, hunk-a burning love_

_A hunk-a, hunk-a burning love_

_A hunk-a, hunk-a burning love_

_A hunk-a, hunk-a burning love_

_I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning love_

_I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning love_

_I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning love_

_I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning love_

_I'm just a hunk-a hunk-a burning looo oooo oooo oooo oove."_

When his performance concludes, he stands still for a moment as though trying to remember how he got here. Then he scratches his ear and glances up at the Judges.

"Rock on, Seba!" Paris hollered, doing a little dance and flashing a huge white grin.

"That was first performance that didn't make me want to turn into a human, slather myself in barbecue sauce, walk into a porta-potty full of Vampaneze and introduce myself as Lunch." Mika commented.

"Imma remember that one, bro." Arrow concluded.

Seba mutters something about an abomination, and walks out of the room, dragging his guitar with him.

"If this was American Idol, you'd be goin to Hollywood, baby!" Arrow calls after him.

***

Outside the Hall of Judges, Host Roxy is standing with Darren, who is visibly breaking down.

"I don't understand how they could DO this to someone!" Darren howls brokenly, tears pouring from his bloodshot eyes. "I spent HOURS writing that song!"

"Hours switching a few words? You must be really dedicated." Roxy replies.

Darren fails to recognize her sarcasm, and continues: "My whole life was about being Vampire Mountain Idol, and now it's GONE!" he screamed, sounding like he was being tortured. "I have nothing left to live for, I should just jump off the top of this mountain right now! I don't know how there's enough room in their coffins for all that BULLSHIT! I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY, IM GOING TO METAPHORICAL HOLLYWOOD!"

"And how do you feel about that?"

Darren screams, punches the camera, and runs back down the hall.

"Stay tuned, we'll be back after the following messages to see which of our superstars will get a metaphorical Golden Ticket to metaphorical Hollywood!" Roxy informs us with a Ryan Seacrest grin.

* * *

that was kind of a not-so-awesome chap by my standards....meh. but there are MANY to come. i hope everyone sticks with me to cast their vote at the end, update!


	5. Debbie gets Serious Like Crazy

Heeyyy :) it feels like i havent updated in foorrevveerrr. Ive been so busy this week, especially since I now partake in Drivers Ed. UUGGHH, suckage. Annyyway this chap is probably my fave. the song is property of Natasha Bedingfield. I love this song even though it drives me crazy :)

ps, i know putting in a Hannah Montana (i confess, i think Miley Cyrus is awesome. dunno why.) song was a bitch move, but i PRROOMMIISSEE you will NEVER EVER EVER find anything from other Disney whores adored by 12 year olds worldwide such as Selena Gnomez, Demi LoFatto, David Archuleta, the Jonas Boobs, or Justin Beavershit. (spelled those wrong on purpose, FYI)

Fun fact. Justin Bieber is from the town where my school is. I go to a high school that is attached to another high school (its a weird system), and he went to the other high school before he was mistaken for a good singer by Hollywood. The 2 schools share a library which everyone is forced to go to at some point, so yeah. His germs are in my facilities. I hate how everyone thinks hes just amazing, cuz he fucking sings like Beyonce (only girlier) and people who knew him know hes a queer little bastard. My mom actually thought he was a girl when he was on the radio. words cannot describe how much i hate that gal.

so yeah, thats my long rant of the week. heeh :)

enjoy bitcehezz.

* * *

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you by the 2010 GMC Sierra: Pro Grade, Offical Truck of Roxypony Studios.

_Flashback to before commercial break:_

_Seba: Cuz your kisses lift me higher, like the sweet song of the choir, and you light my morning sky, burning love._

_Paris: Rock on, Seba!_

_Mika: That was first performance that didn't make me want to turn into a human, slather myself in barbecue sauce, walk into a porta-potty full of Vampaneze and introduce myself as Lunch._

_Arrow: Imma remember that one, bro._

Now, host Roxy is standing outside the Hall of Judges with Seba who is fresh off his newest hit single.

"How do you think that went?" she inquires, holding up her hot pink fuzzy microphone.

"I do not appreciate this abominative spectacle being held in the sacred home of our clan." Seba informs us with a glare.

"But you totally rocked the house with your performance. Are you aware of that?"

"I am not a fool, you strange and obnoxious creature from another dimension. I rock this house every day of my life. The inglorious imbeciles who also inhabit this mountain do not realise this."

With that, he stalks off in the direction of the open bar (sponsored by Smirnoff Watermelon, official vacationing beverage of Roxypony Studios.) Security guards rush after him, tackle to him to the ground, and inform him that it is for AFTER the finale ONLY. Sena shrieks something about "Sticking it to the man."

"Annnyway." announces Roxy, stepping back inside the Hall of Judges. "Please give a warm Vampire mountain to..." (reads paper) "...oh, her? Seriously? Who the fuck invited her? Oh, the mic is on. Dayumm. Welcome Debbie Hemlock everyone, Debbie Hemlock."

Debbie runs onstage in a hot pink minidress (which Roxy appears to loathe but secretly wanted one just like it) and lime green ridiculously high heels. Her hair is curled and piled a foot high on top of her head, and her nails are painted bright silver. The whole effect is rather scarring.

"Hiiyaaa!" she squeals, waving both hands and jumping up and down. "Imma be the first Vampire Mountain Idol then me and Darren are gonna get married and have babies and Imma be a Vampire Princess!"

Paris nods politely. Mika looks like hes about to throw his coke glass at her face, but changes his mind. Arrow asks:

"What's your name?"

"It's me, Debbie!"

"Who's Debbie?"

"Meeeh, duh! Darren's number one Babe For Life!"

"I thought that was Harkat." Mika states skeptically.

Debbie looks at him like he just ate her grandma.

"He hasn't talked about me?" she finally gasps.

"He's been really busy and I'm sure he thinks about-" Paris begins to say, but Mika cuts him off:

"Not a word. Take the hint. Now get this performance over with."

"Kay." she then points at a lighting coordinator. "You. Find my fiancee, Darren Shan. He works here. Bring him to me ASAP. Kay, here I go!

_What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas  
But what if it don't?  
What happens in my head stays in my head  
But sometimes it won't  
What if you knew what I was thinking  
Would it make you like WOHHHHH!  
Don't wanna risk puttin' my foot in it  
So ill keep my mouth closed!_

All you hear is...

mmm mmm m m m m  
Gonna button my lip So the truth don't slip  
mmm mmm m m m m m  
Gotta beep out what I really wanna shout  
Woops Did I say it out loud, did you find out  
I wanna have your babies  
It's serious like crazy  
I wanna have your babies  
I see 'em springing up like daisies

Some of my feelings keep escapin'  
so I make it a joke  
Nonchalant I keep on fakin'  
So my heart don't get broke  
I'm in a big big big big ocean in a tiny little boat  
Ill only put the idea out there If I know its gonna float

All you hear is...

mmm mmm m m m m m  
Gonna button my lip  
So the truth don't slip  
mmm mmm m m m m m  
Gotta beep out  
What I really wanna shout  
Woops Did I say it out loud  
Did you find out  
I wanna have your babies  
It's serious like crazy  
I wanna have your babies  
I see 'em springing up like daisy's  
In my head there's a slot machine  
And I'm bettin' you're the one in my hopes and dreams

Trust me it would scare you if you knew what was goin' on in my brain  
Trust me it would scare you that I've picked out the church all the schools all the names  
If you knew it was all about you every wish Every candle every coin in a fountain  
Trust me it would scare you

Thats why I go...

mmm mmm m m m m m

mmm mmm m m m m m

Gonna button my lip  
So the truth don't slip  
mmm mmm m m m m m  
Gotta beep out  
What I really wanna shout  
Woops Did I say it out loud  
Did you find out  
I wanna have your babies  
It's serious like crazy  
I wanna have your babies  
I see 'em springing up like daisy's

mmm mmm m m m m m

Gonna button my lip  
So the truth don't slip  
mmm mmm m m m m m  
Gotta beep out  
What I really wanna shout  
Woops Did I say it out loud  
Did you find out  
I wanna have your babies  
It's serious like crazy  
I wanna have your babies  
I see 'em springing up like daisy's

mmm mmm m m m m m"

"Someone find Darren and get him out of here before he gets raped." Mika declares.

"It was that good?" Debbie gasps in awe.

"Sweetheart, you're adorable and I you look beautiful, but this isn't right for you. Go home, relax, and find a boyfriend who really appreciates your style." says Paris.

"Girl, that was just so bad on so many levels. Peace out." Arrow adds.

Debbie cries and stomps her foot, almost falling down.

"WHERE IS MY FIANCEE?" she screams. "Get him in here so he can sort this bullshit out!"

"Before our security guards escort you out, we will prosent you with a few reasons why you are not illegible to be a Vampire Bitch."

"I didn't say bitch, I said PRINCESS!"

"Yes, well. A) Vampires find screaming infants highly unesscessary. Although we do not lack certain bodily parts, we do not partake in the having of babies. B) Darren has better things to do than be in your presence, as do we all. and C) I do not have time to list all the other reasons why this will not ever happen for you. Get out."

"Bye Debbie. Good luck with all the babies." Paris smiles.

Kicking, scratching and biting, Debbie is escorted from the Hall of Judges screaming about Darren and babies.


	6. Dont Trust Vancha

THIS CHAP IS SHORT AND STUPID, I WROTE IT IN 10 WHOLE MINUTES!

but im going for quantity over quaility for this fic, SO.

* * *

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you by Bits And Bites: Original Flavour, official snack of Roxypony Studios.

_Flashback to before commercial break:_

_Debbie: I wanna have your babies, I see em springin up like daisies!_

_Paris: Sweetheart, you're adorable and I you look beautiful, but this isn't right for you. Go home, relax, and find a boyfriend who really appreciates your style._

_Arrow: ...just so bad on so many levels. Peace out__._

_Mika: ...you are not illegible to be a Vampire Bitch._

Flash back to present:

Host Roxy is providing commentary from her inside massive dark crimson jacked-up-chromed-out diesel-hemi-3500 GMC Sierra, official vehicle of Roxypony Studios, which is parked on display outside the Hall of Judges. She is surrounded by disinfectant and hand sanitizer, because the next contestent is none other than Vancha March.

Inside the Hall of Princes, Vancha is stepping up to be the first ever greenhaired Idol of Anywhere.

"I see you're stickin' wit yo natural hair colour, bro." Arrow comments.

"I see your scalp still hates you." Vancha replied politely.

"FUCK YOU RETARD, ARROW IS A SEXY BALDIE!" Roxy screams over the intercom.

"So. What are we singing today?" Mika asks.

"Don't Trust Me."

"No duh. So what are you singing?"

"That's the song name, dumbshit."

"Well it's a stupid song if I never heard it!"

"Mneeehhhhhh!"

(Mika and Vancha tend to bring out the childishness in each other quite a bit. This is one of the many reasons Vancha prefers to roam.)

"I like that song, Vancha. Please continue." Paris smiles.

"You bug me, old man." Mika grunts.

Vancha begins:

_Black dress with the tights underneath_  
_I've got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth_  
_And she's an actress, but she ain't got no need_  
_She's got money from parents in a trust fund back east_  
_She wants to touch me, wahoo_  
_She wants to love me, wahoo_  
_She'll never leave me, wahoo, wahoo hoo hoo_  
_Don't trust a ho_  
_Never trust a ho_  
_Won't trust a ho_  
_Because the ho won't trust me_

_Tongues always pressed to your cheeks_  
_While my tongue is on the inside of some other girl's teeth_  
_Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef_  
_That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him_

_She wants to touch me, wahoo_  
_She wants to love me, wahoo_  
_She'll never leave me, wahoo, wahoo hoo hoo_  
_Don't trust a ho_  
_Never trust a ho_  
_Won't trust a ho_  
_Because the ho won't trust me_

_X's on the back of your hands_  
_Washed them in the bathroom to drink like the bands_  
_And the set list you stole off the stage_  
_Has red and purple lipstick all over the page_

_Bruises cover your arms_  
_Shaking in the fingers with the bottle in your palm_  
_And the best is, no one knows who you are_  
_Just another girl alone at the bar_

_She wants to touch me, wahoo_  
_She wants to love me, wahoo_  
_She'll never leave me, wahoo, wahoo hoo hoo_  
_Don't trust a ho_  
_Never trust a ho_  
_Won't trust a ho_  
_Because the ho won't trust me_

_She wants to touch me, wahoo_  
_She wants to love me, wahoo_  
_She'll never leave me, wahoo, wahoo hoo hoo_  
_Don't trust a ho_  
_Never trust a ho_  
_Won't trust a ho_  
_Because the ho won't trust me_

_Shush girl, shut your lips_  
_Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips_  
_I said shush girl, shut your lips_  
_Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips_  
_I said shush girl, shut your lips_  
_Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips_

_She wants to touch me, wahoo_  
_She wants to love me, wahoo_  
_She'll never leave me, wahoo, wahoo hoo hoo_  
_Don't trust a ho_  
_Never trust a ho_  
_Won't trust a ho_  
_Because the ho won't trust me."_

"I said shush Vancha, shush your lips. Do the Helen Keller and walk off a cliff. That was disgusting." Mika announced.

Arrow was almost falling off his chair laughing. "Bro...seriously...that was an insult to the universe in general."

"I can tell by your hair and your attitude that you're a really awesome individual, but this isn't the right contest for you." Paris finished.

"Is it just me or has he said the same thing to everyone else?" Mika muttered to Arrow.

"It's not just you, dog."

"Fuck you all! Fuck this big dumb stupid faggy rock. And fuck the stupid truck! When I have an green limo and a record deal, we'll see who's hair people are in love with! There's something you people don't realise: TO HAVE HAIR, YOU NEED BALLS!"

On that beautiful note, he storms out.

"It's so sad." Paris sighs.

"Therapy, anyone?" suggests Mika.

"For him or us?"

"All the therapy in the world couldn't help him now. So, us. See if you can get Dr Phil on the phone before the next one comes in."

_

* * *

_

yeah, so. i just seriously hate Vancha! He grosses me out, and I was totally pissed he was the 3rd hunter or whatever, I still wish it was Mika or Arrow... i barely even enjoyed the last few books in the series cuz they were so NOT vampire mountain!! I just really have a thing for books 4-6...  
annnyyywaaaaayyy.

PS, Fan Page on facebook, link on profile! dont forget!

and I have something planned to celebrate the 2nd anniversary of TVF :D

*Roxxy,


	7. California Kurds

I edited this, and changed Kurda's song! I like this much better.

* * *

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you by _5 Gum: Evolve_, Official Gum of Roxypony Studios.

_Vancha: Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef, That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him!_

_Mika: "...shush Vancha, shush your lips. Do the Helen Keller and walk off a cliff. That was disgusting."_

_Arrow: "...an insult to the universe in general."_

_Paris: "I can tell by your hair and your attitude that you're a really awesome individual, BUT..._

Vancha: "...TO HAVE HAIR, YOU NEED BALLS!"

_Cut to Vancha flipping out and being dragged out by security..._

Flash back to present. Host Roxy is back in the Hall of Judges interviewing Mika Arrow and Paris while a cleaning crew in gloves and masks sterilize the area after Vancha's performance.

"How do you think the process of picking the Vampire World's Next Superstar is going?" she asks of Mika who is taking shots of black black coffee.

"If this was not a Mr Tiny Production, I would be a thousand miles from this mountain right now." the dark Judge stated,

"This party's dead, yo." Arrow added.

"It's great to see all these enthusiastic people, but this isn't the right competition for a lot of them." Paris said with great sympathy.

"Does he ever stop saying that?" Roxy inquired.

"Nope."

"Has he shown any symtoms of overdose such as shaking, speech impediment, seemingly impaired judgement, or lack of brain functioning to its full capacity?"

"Um..."

"EEHH you took too long to answer. ON TO THE NEXT ONE!"

"I think someone forgot to hide the Red Bull..." Arrow muttered.

"NOW please help me welcome to the stage, our very own blonde um...beauty? Kurda Smahlt!"

"OH haaaayyy!" Kurda squealed, emerging onto the stage.

"Haaaay yourself!" Paris greeted with a smile (again).

"And why are you here, Kurda? This is not a hair salon." Mika informed him.

"Saaay hello to the next VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOOOOOOL!"

"Yeah...I'll have to get back to you on that one. Go on, get on with it."

"Okaaaaay...

_Greetings loved ones  
Lets take a journey...  
I know a place  
Where the grass is really greener  
Warm, wet and wild  
There must be something in the water  
Sippin' gin and juice  
Laying underneath the palm trees  
The boys  
Break their necks  
Try'na to creep a little sneak peek_

You could travel the world  
But nothing comes close  
To the golden coast  
Once you party with us  
You'll be falling in love  
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

California girls  
We're unforgettable  
Daisy Dukes  
Bikinis on top  
Sun-kissed skin  
So hot  
Will melt your popsicle  
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

California girls  
We're undeniable  
Fine, fresh, fierce  
We got it on lock  
West coast represent  
Now put your hands up  
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

Sex on a beach  
We get sand in our stilletos  
We freak  
In a jeep  
Snoop Doggy Dogg on the stereo

You could travel the world  
But nothing comes close  
To the golden coast  
Once you party with us  
You'll be falling in love  
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

California girls  
We're unforgettable  
Daisy Dukes  
Bikinis on top  
Sun-kissed skin  
So hot  
Will melt your popsicle  
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

California girls  
We're undeniable  
Fine, fresh, fierce  
We got it on lock  
West coast represent  
Now put your hands up  
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

Tone Tan  
Fit and ready  
Turn it up cause its gettin' heavy  
Wild wild west coast  
These are the girls I love the most  
I mean the ones  
I mean like shes the one  
Kiss her  
Touch her  
Squeeze her buns  
The girls a freak  
She drives a jeep  
And live on the beach  
I'm okay  
I wont play  
I love the bay  
Just like I love LA  
Venice beach  
And Palm Springs  
Summer time is everything  
Come on boys  
Hanging out  
All that a-s  
Hanging out  
Bikinis, tankinis, martinis  
No weenies  
Just a King and a Queenie  
Katy my lady  
You looking here baby  
Im all up on ya,  
Cause you representing California

_California girls  
We're unforgettable  
Daisy Dukes  
Bikinis on top  
Sun-kissed skin  
So hot  
Will melt your popsicle  
Oooooh Oh Oooooh_

California girls  
We're undeniable  
Fine, fresh, fierce  
We got it on lock  
West coast represent  
West coast, west coast  
Now put your hands up  
Oooooh Oh Oooooh

Californiaaa, Californiaaa  
California girls man  
I wish they all could be  
California girls  
Californiaaa  
I really wish  
You all could be  
California girls  
Californiaaa, yeah

He finished with a hair flip and a pose worthy of Madonna.

At this point, Mika couldn't even form a coherent sentence, and Arrow muttered something alone the lines of, _Get him out, JUST GET HIM OUT!_ before Paris had a chance to tell him he was a beautiful person who just wasn't right for this competition, and Kurda was dragged from the hall, shrieking for dear life.

"Where's the inconspicuous bastard who wrote Kurda a theme song, I need to permanently maim them right away. And alert the outside world we are currently experiencing a severe lack of talent. Please send help." Mika noted dryly.

"Where are the GOOD singers at?" Arrow grunted in frustration.

"Justin Bieber embarrassed them into hiding." Roxy informed them.

"He's a beautiful person, he's just not right for this competition." Paris sighed.

"Go to a commercial before I hang myself with a lighting cord." Mika requested.

"Vampire Mountain will return in a moment, after a message from our sponsors!" Host Roxy concluded. "Ten-minute rest everyone. BREAK OUT THE THERAPIST!"

* * *

Song property of Katy Perry. Lovin it!

*Roxxy,


	8. Spider Pig, Spider Pig

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you by the American Quarter Horse Association, official breed of Roxypony Studios.

_Kurda: ...CAAAALIFORNIAAAAAA!_

_Mika: ..currently experiencing a severe lack of talent. Please send help._

_Arrow: Where are the GOOD __singers at?_

_Paris: ..beautiful person, just not right for this competition..._

_Cut to Kurda stumbling back into the waiting room, crying his baby blue eyes out_

Flash back to present.

Roxy is lying in the back of her truck, filing her nails. Kurda is still sobbing convulsively at being so cruelly insulted by the judges, and is currently lying draped over several chairs in the waiting room, after terrorising their occupants into a corner. The number of security guards is depleted, as some are currently very busy detaining Debbie and Vancha who have been extremely violent and uncooperative.

The next contestant is currently sitting in a chair in the corner hyperventilating into an empty bag of skittles. His legs don't quite touch the floor, and his name is Harkat Mulds.

"NEXXXXXT." calls host Roxy, who has migrated back into the Hall of Judges.

Harkat falls off his chair in shock. If this wasn't a Mr Tiny production that was being aired internationally, he might not be in a full on panic attack.

"Hi Harkat." says Mika with a considerable increase in sympathy from the last 6 contestants.

"Mulds, what's up my man?" Arrow adds.

"I'm...good!" Harkat gasps.

"Harkat, I'll tell you a little secret:" Mika whispers. "_Mr. Tiny's not here yet. _Help yourself to a coffee and start your performance whenever you're ready."

"You can be _nice_?" Roxy gasped in awe.

"DON'T...SAY...THAT! HE'S...EVERYWHERE!" Harkat wailed at the mention of Mr Tiny.

"But not in here." Arrow adds kindly.

"Where _is_ he? What a sucky producer." Paris contributes with a slight slur. "The network is gonna drop this show if he forgets to be affiliated with us."

"Don't complain." Mika grunts. "Harkat, feel free to begin."

"_Spider Pig...Spider Pig...Does whatever a Spider Pig does...Can he swing from a web? ...No he can't, he's a pig...Lookout...he is a Spider pig."_

When no one said anything, Harkat smiled nervously and spread his arms in a little taadaaa, thats the enddd! gesture.

Mika, Arrow, Paris, Roxy, and the random camera and lighting operators burst into spontaneous applause.

"That song is a personal favourite of mine. Homer Simpson would be proud. Very admirable job of keeping within pitch, and you displayed a suprising range." Mika declares

"Dude!" Arrow yells joyfully, hi-fiving Harkat over the table. "If anyone deserves not to be fried, skewered and eaten by Tiny, it's probably you."

"By far, the best performance of the night. You have a beautiful voice." Paris says with a happy little sigh, folding his hands and batting his eyelashes.

"IM...NOT...GONNA...DIE" Harkat squeals, hopping out of the room.

"Bye-bye Harkie." Paris waves.

"Later, bro!" says Arrow.

"There's still some of my special coffee beans left in the left corner of the freezer, if you want any. They're imported from Moldovia." Mika concludes.

"IM GONNA...LIVE!" he yells in delight when he reaches the waiting room. Kurda shrieks in jealousy, and there is a loud scuffling thumping bumpy sound, along with the familliar THUNK of a skull making hard contact with the ground. Someone yells, "THATS ENOUGH!" and there is another inhuman shriek, and the sound of ripping hair. A scream of pain, and

"DIE, CALIFORNIA GIRL!"

"WHAT...DID...WE...SAY...ABOUT...NOT...HITTING?"

"HARKAT, GET OUT OF THE WAY AND LET ME HIT HIM!"

"HOW DARE YOU THROW A SHOE AT MY FACE, YOU BASTARD!"

"CHILL DUDE I WASN'T AIMING AT YOU! NOT THAT IT EVEN TOUCHED YOUR FACE, YA PANSY! YOURE NOT INVOLVED."

"WHATS GOING ON?"

"YOU CANT FRICKIN AIM, VANCHA! GO BACK TO THE SWAMP CUZ NO ONE LIKES YOUR HAIR!"

"MINT CHOCOLATE IS AN ABOMINATION!"

"OWWWWWW DONT TOUCH MEEEEH!"

"SO STOP EATING IT, ITS MINE!"

"DARREN? IS THAT YOU? OMFG I FOUND YOU! COME THE HELL OVER HERE, BEEOTCH!"

"IS THIS A FIGHT? I WANNA FIGHT!"

By the time Roxy and the Judges stampeded to the waiting room, it was a total war zone. Kurda was trying to kill Harkat, who was being protected by Vancha, as Harkat was protecting himself, and both of them from each other. Debbie was chasing Darren, who was throwing chairs at her in attempt to save himself. However, he wasn't looking where he was going, and collided with Seba, who was chomping a crate of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"I told you, it's MIIIIINE!" Darren growls, snatching it back, picking himself up off the floor, and continued to run for his life, but collided with Harkat, Kurda and Vancha. Seeing Vancha for the first time, Seba lost it completely and flung himself at the greenhaired beast, screaming abominations attempting to rip his head from his body. Vancha clubbed Seba over the head with Kurda's abandoned shoe. Kurda ran to Mika for safety and proceeded to hide behind him. However, his actions were noticed by Vancha, who threw a table at him whilst holding Seba by the throat. The table did not hit Kurda, or even Mika, but rather Arrow.

"Motherrr, ffaaaahhhgggggg," the bald judge howled, observing his arm which was apparently bent disturbingly out of shape, looking slightly broken. This infuriated host Roxy, who sprinted to her truck and attempted to turn Vancha into roadkill. Unfortunately, she failed to hit him dead-on with the right front wheel, and he ended up splatted against her windshield. She whipped off a cowboy boot and leaned out the window to put him out of his misery with a good hit to the temple, but she was attacked and dragged out the window by a fucked upTwilight fangirl who had this random obsession with Vancha.

Eventually, we cut to a commercial. But no one notices.


	9. Larten Brings Sexy Back contraction free

Wow, this story is taking way too long, and it's honestly not that fun to write...can you tell?

PLEASE just bear with me till voting time :)

* * *

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you by the Blackberry Curve, official phone of Roxypony Studios.

Harkat: Spider pig, spider pig...

Mika: ...personal favourite of mine. Homer Simpson would be proud.

Arrow:

If anyone deserves not to be fried, skewered and eaten by Tiny, it's probably you.

Paris: Beautiful voice!

Cut to Harkat sitting with Roxy in her truck, snarfing gummy bears and looking completely joyous.

Flash back to present.

We see Harkat apparently hiding in the front of the truck, looking slightly afraid for his life. Mika is sitting with Arrow in the back of the truck, attempting to bandage his injured arm. However they appear to be on the brink of a fistfight themselves, it seems Mika is a poor doctor and according to Arrow's frequent screams of pain, is making the situation worse. Kurda remains determined to kill Harkat, as he sees him as a threat due to his excellent reviews. The blonde is prowling around determinedly, but has not clued in that Harkat is inside

the truck. Seba and Vancha are currenly being detained by security after attempting to slaughter each other, and Roxy managed to win the battle against the rabid Twilight fangirl (who was also being detained.)

Oh, and Debbie was currently duck-taped to a chair and locked in the kitchen, screaming about Darren and babies.

No one seemed to know they were back on the air.

"We're back on the air." a cameraman coughed after several minutes of observing.

"Turn it off." whined Arrow. "I don't want my freakin' broken arm on the news."

"Suck it up, you bald baby." Mika snapped, tying a final knot in the bandages. Arrow yelped and yanked his arm away from his doctor.

"Hello, welcome back, yeah yeah who's next..." (reads schedule)"...ohhmg. This will be scream... everyone please join me in welcoming to the stage...OUR VERY OWN LARTEN CREPSLEY!"

"Apparently we need to return to the Hall of Judges." Mika grunted. "Where the hell is Tiny? "

"Someplace nice." Paris guessed.

"Dude, I am seriously wondering if this show is even legit." says Arrow.

**Cut to a view of the Hall of Judges.**

The Judges are sitting in their thrones looking apprehensive and uncomfortable, but in a bored way. A pale-skinned orange-haired Vampire stood before him.

"Sup dog. What's your name, where ya from, what're ya singin-HOLY HELL, LARTEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR!" Arrow practically shrieks.

His little crop of orange had been slicked back at an impossible angle, and had an unearthly metallic tinge.

"That, my friend, is simply freaky." Mika states.

Larten glares.

"Arra and Kurda styled it for me."

"Charming, Crepsley, really delightful." Mika grunts. "Now get on with it."

Larten rolls his eyes.

_"I am bringing sexy back  
The other boys do not know how to act  
I think it is special... what is behind your back  
So turn around and and I will pick up the slack_

_Dirty Babe  
You see these shackles baby I am your slave  
I will let you whip me if I misbehave  
It is just that no one makes me feel this way_

_Come here girl, go head be gone with it  
Come to the back, go head be gone with it  
VIP, drinks on me  
Let me see what you're twerking with  
Look at those hips  
Make me smile  
Go ahead child and get your sexy on_

_I am bringing sexy back_  
_You mother fuckers watch how I attack_  
_If that is your girl, baby watch your back_  
_Cuz you are burning up for me and that is a fact_

_Dirty Babe  
You see these shackles baby I am your slave  
I will let you whip me if I misbehave  
It is just that no one makes me feel this waayyy."_

And of course, this had a dance to go with it.

"...Larten..." says Paris in a tone of wonderment.

"Larten?" Mika groans miserably.

"Larten!" Arrow gasps in a shocked yet inspired tone.

"By the way, that performance was dedicated to Arra." Roxy adds.

"It most certainly was NOT!" Larten states in a squealy tone, turning the same shade of red as Roxy's truck.

'K, Crepsley. If that's what you want us to think. NEXT!" says Mika.

_How many more freakos to go before we can get back to our lives? _Roxy ponders. She checks the list.

_WAY too many. _


	10. Steve's Band

Bet you thought i forgot this fic!

Although the quality is substantially decreasing, I can't ignore the fact that it has 83 reviews in only 9 chapters, hehe.

This chapter is so random, honestly. Possibly funny at times? (you decide.) but this is one of the weirder things I've written.

The song is "My Band" by Eminem, and as you will see, some names have obviously been changed because lets face it, i don't know any of the people he's talking about and Im sure the Vampires don't either. Some have been left as they are because I just couldn't fit one. But it's edited where it needs to be and I think the concept is fairly clear!

I really reccomend you listen to the song, it really reminds me of the characters ;)

Oh, a note on the characters. I've only read books 8-12 like one time each, so other than the usual crowd, Im not real familiar with the guys in this chap! reeall sorry for any inacuracies.

I don't own DSS, Eminem, American Idol, or the Spiderman reference I will be making shortly. I love Spiderman. The movies, anyway. Never read a comic in my life. Other than Archie. I like Archie. But I dont own him either :/

* * *

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you by the Green Goblin and OsCorp Technologies, official Supervillian affiliation of Roxypony Studios. (Spiderman movie reference. I'm addicted. Stfu. And I also know you're not supposed to put AN's in the story, so stfu about that too.)

recap:

_Larten: I am bringing sexy back...The other boys do not know how to act..._

Paris: ...Larten...

Mika: Larten?

Arrow: Larten!

Roxy: ...performance was dedicated to Arra...

Flash back to present.

The commotion in the waiting room has lessened considerably, and it is almost copletely empty. The reason? Steve Leopard and his cronies are next in line.

In the Hall of Judges...

"So. You're Steve." says Mika.

"Awww, he's little!" says Arrow cutely.

"Who are they?" Paris inquires of the two creepy fellows behind him.

RV and Gannen both start blabbing at the same time.

"Backup people." says Steve.

RV and Gannen look quite infuriated.

"Just get your song over with before you notice the stone of blood is sitting right behind us." says Mika.

Steve:  
_I don't know dude...  
I think everyone's all jealous and shit cuz I'm like the lead singer of a band dude...  
And I think everyone's got a fucking problem with me dude...  
And they need to take it up with me after the show...  
Because...  
_

_These chicks don't even know the name of my band...  
But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands...  
Cuz once I blow they know that i'll be the man...  
All because I'm the lead singer of my band..._  
Gannen:  
_You just wanna see a nigga backwards don't you  
Hey dad how come we don't rap on Protools  
Smash these vocals and do a performance  
But we in the van and he in a tour bus  
You don't want my autograph, yous a liar  
And no I'm Swift (oh I thought you was Kuniva)  
What the hell is wrong with that dressing room  
Cuz my shit is looking smaller than a decimal  
See I know how to rap, see it's simple but  
All I did was read a Stephenie Meyer book  
So I'm more intact, tryna get on the map  
Doin' jumping jacks whilin' get whipped on my back_Gannen and RV:  
_Look at Steve little punk ass thinkin' he the shit  
Yeah I know man find himself taking on a flick  
Hey I thought we had an interview with Mr. Tiny, dude!_

So I get off stage right and drop the mic  
Walk up to the hot chicks and I'm all like  
"Sup ladies, my name's Steve Leopard.  
I'm the Chosen Lord of the Vampaneze baby"  
They're all like "Oh my god it's him"  
"Becky oh my fuckin' god it's the Vampaneze Lord!"  
"I swear to fucking god dude you fuckin rock,  
"Please Stevie please let me suck your cock"  
And by now the rest of the fellas get jealous  
Especially when I drop the beat and do my acapellas  
All the chicks start yellin', all the hot babes  
Throw their bras and their shirt and their panties on stage  
So like every single night they pick a fight with me  
But when we fight it's kinda like sibling rivalry  
Cuz they're back on stage the next night with me  
Dude I just think you're tryna steal the light from me  
Yesterday Darren tried to pull a knife on me  
Cause I told him the Debbie is my wife to be  
This rock star shit, it's the life for me  
And all the other guys just despise me because

These chicks don't even know the name of my band...  
But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands...  
Cuz once I blow they know that i'll be the man...  
All because I'm the lead singer of my band...  
My band (x9)

Steve: _NO, I had an interview, not you two._

Gannen: _You gonna be late for soundcheck_

Steve: _Man I ain't goin' to soundcheck_

RV: _But our mics are screwed up and his always sound best. You know what man I'ma say something  
Hey yo Steve, _

Steve: _You got something to say?_

RV: _Man, no!_

Gannen: _I thought you bout to tell him off, what's up_

RV: _Man I'ma tell him when I feel like it, man shut up. And you ain't even back me up. when we s'posed to be crew_

Gannen: _I was bout to talk right after you, I swear, I swear man_

Steve:  
_These chicks don't even know the name of my band...  
But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands...  
Cuz once I blow they know that i'll be the man...  
All because I'm the lead singer of my band...  
_  
Gannen and RV:  
_They say the lead singers rock, but the group does not  
Once we sold out arenas to the amusement park  
I'm gonna let the world know that proof is hot  
I should cut his mic off when the musics starts  
Ready to snap on a dumb ass fan  
Every time I hear "Hey dude I love your band!"  
We ain't a band bitch we don't play instruments  
So why he get 90 and we only get 10 percent  
And these guys they can find every area code_

Steve: _Carry my bag._

RV: _Bitch carry your own  
Can't make it to the stage, security in my way  
Who the fuck are you? Where's Obie and Dre?  
_

Gannen:  
_Goddammit I'm sick of this group  
Time for me to go solo and make some loot  
I told you I made the beats and wrote all the raps  
Till Kon Artist slipped me some crack  
Lose Yourself video I was in the back  
Superman video I was in the back  
Fuck the media, I got some suggestions  
Fuck Steve, ask us the questions  
Like who's the Vampaneze Lord, how we get started  
"But what about Steve?"  
Bitch are you retarded?  
Anyway I'm the popularest guy in the group  
Big ass stomach, bitches think I'm cute  
"hey sexy"  
50 told me to do situps to get buff  
I did two and a half and then I couldn't get up  
Fuck the Vampaneze, I'm outta this band  
I'm gonna start a group with the real Darren Shan.  
_  
Steve:  
_Girl why cant you see your the only one for me  
and it just tears my ass apart to know that you don't know my name..._Hey where'd everybody go?Steve realised quite suddenly his backup singers had exited the building, so he quickly struck an Eminem pose.

These chicks don't even know the name of my band...(ha ha)  
But they're all on me like they wanna hold hands...(Fuck Steve)  
Cuz once I blow I know that i'll be the man...  
All because I'm the lead singer of my band...  
My Band [6x]  
The hottest boy band in the world...  
Steve Leopard!  
I'm the lead singer of my band, I get all the girl's to take off their underpants  
And the lead singer of my band, my salsa  
Makes all the pretty girl's wan to dance  
My salsa, look out for my next single, it's called My Salsa...  
My salsa, salsa, salsa, salsa, my salsa  
My salsa makes all the pretty girls wan to dance  
And take off their underpants  
My salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance  
And take off their underpants, my salsa

"And that was supposed to be...singing?" says Mika, glaring at Steve the way he often glared at Kurda when he painted his nails.

Arrow squinted at Steve as though attempting to read extremely small words.

"You are a sad, strange little man." he states finally.

Paris can't even work in a "Not right for this competition" reply.

"Hun, how do _you_ feel that audition went?" he says.

"I feel it went damn fuckin amazingly." says Steve in total honesty, still posing like a little white gangsta.

"Bro, I don't want to be to break this to ya..." sighs Arrow.

"...but you can not rap to save your life..." continues Mika.

"...and you are far too white to be a Vampaneze Lord." Paris concludes.

Steve blinks. Then his gangsta pose slowly melts and he proceeds to bawl his eyes out, swear and flip the finger as though he's been temporarily taken by tourettes, launch himself at the judge's table taking out a few cameras and lights in the process, and finally getting hauled out by his ankles by security. Zoom up close to his face, and the cameraman gets both his lens and nose broken.

Zoom in on the back seat of Roxy's truck, where she has been hiding with Harkat. They both peek out the window, look around, and dissapear back into the truck.

Camera man: *coughs* Uhhm...bring in the next one!

* * *

No, I wasn't doing anything with Harkat in the back of the truck. We were hiding from Steve.

Seriously you sick perv! Harkie's like my pet!

Anyway, I hope this didn't come across as racist. I'm totally un-racist. Emimen wrote the lyrics, not me. Steve reminds me of a little white boy tryin to roll with the gangsta Vampanizzles even though theyre all purple and he's a little white boy!

Why no, Im not extremely tired, why do you ask? What do you mean I'm blabbering about stupid shit? What the hell are you talkin ab-

*facekeyboard*

...

*Rozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy,


	11. Truska Cracks The Whip

Cool voiceover: Welcome back to VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN IDOL! We are still coming to you live from the Hall of Princes, sponsored by Roxypony Studios and Mr Tiny Productions. Now for a quick recap, brought to you by U Suck, official flamer of Roxypony Studios.

_Steve: These chicks don't even know the name of my band, but they're all on me like they wanna hold hands..._

_Arrow: Bro, I don't want to be to break this to ya..._

_Mika: ...but you can not rap to save your life..._

_Paris: ...and you are far too white to be a Vampaneze Lord._

_*clip of Steve attaxking judges table and crying like a little bitch*_

Flash back to present.

Roxy is now sitting on a lawn chair in the back of her truck, beside Harkat. They are sipping lemonade. Vancha is sitting in a waiting chair, clipping his toenails. Kurda is sitting across the room eyeing Harkat with vengeance. The blonde has not yet gotten over the sting of rejection, and is glaring out of red, puffy eyes.

"Who's up...next?" Harkat inquires.

Roxy consults her list and frowns.

"Harkie, remember the mean skanky lady in the shittastic CDF movie who accused you of biting and was all over Mr Crepsley and sprouted man hair from her face?"

"Yeah?" said Harkat

"LET'S GIVE A WARM VAMPIRE MOUNTAIN WELCOME TO OUR RESIDENT HOE-BAG AND POSTER CHILD FOR CELEBRITY LASER HAIR REMOVAL... GIVE IT UP FOR MADAME TRUSKA!"

In the Hall of Judges...

The Judges are staring awe-struck at the bearded-and-boobed fiend in front of them. She looks like a Jersey Shore girl. With facial hair.

"Tell us about yourself." says Judge Mika.

"My name's Truska, I'm from the Surk-Duh-Freek and I'ma be yo next Vampire Mountain Idol, BITCHES."

"Alright Truska, what do you do at the Cirque?"

"Imma model, performer, and hair stylist, bitches."

Arrow smirks sarcastically. Paris smiles blankly.

"I could have sworn you didn't speak english, rather communicated with a seal grunt-type thing?" Mika notes. Arrow pokes him with the audition info paper.

"Oh, my mistake. You're the movie version. What are you singing for us today?"

"My theme song which I wrote myself, bitches!"

"Let's hear it, dawg." says Arrow, sipping on his cherry coke.

She begins.

_"There's only two types of people in the world  
The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe  
Well baby I'm a put-on-a-show kinda girl  
Don't like the backseat, gotta be first (oh, oh)  
I'm like the ringleader  
I call the shots (call the shots)  
I'm like a firecracker  
I make it hot (make it hot)  
When I put on a show_

_I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins (hah, hah, hah)  
Spotlight on me and I'm ready to break (hah, hah, hah)  
I'm like a performer, the dancefloor is my stage (hah, hah, hah)  
Better be ready, hope that ya feel the same (hah, hah, hah)_

_All the eyes on me in the center of the ring  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
Don't stand there watching me, follow me  
Show me what you can do  
Everybody let go, we can make a dancefloor  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho)_

_There's only two types of guys out there,  
Ones that can hang with me, and ones that are scared  
So baby I hope that you came prepared  
I run a tight ship, so beware  
I'm like a ring leader, I call the shots.  
I'm like a fire cracker,  
I make it hot when I put on a show._

_Let's go..(ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
Let me see what you can do..(ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
I'm running this.  
Yeah, like what..?_

_All the eyes on me in the center of the ring  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
Don't stand there watching me, follow me  
Show me what you can do  
Everybody let go, we can make a dancefloor  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
All the eyes on me in the center of the ring  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah)  
Don't stand there watching me, follow me  
Show me what you can do  
Everybody let go, we can make a dancefloor  
Just like a circus (ah, ah, ahaha-hah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho)"_

"Well my friend, I have some news that is very unfortunate for you and very entertaining to me." drawls Mika. "As someone who lives in the same Mountain as Kurda Smahlt and his pink iPod, I happen to be perfectly aware that this particular insult to music was in fact NOT written by you, and Britney Spears just called. She says See You In Court, Bitch."

"Oh, dawg. No. Maybe you coulda pulled it off without the beard...but this didn't fly." states Arrow. Roxy has sauntered into the Hall and is now giving him a shoulder massage.

"Your beard just isn't right for this competition, but it looks like you keep it in beautiful condition!" sighs a starry-eyed Paris.

"So...I'll see you in Hollywood, bitches?" chirps Truska.

"I don't think you're getting it, dawg. That performance was a true freak show."

"Thank you. Buh-bye. Go trash the rest of your career while it's still hairy." Mika concludes.

Truska looks extremely confused.

"So I get my Golden Ticket at the door, bitches?"

"Honey, this isn't American Idol. Even if you cold sing, we don't have the funding to go to Hollywood. But I have a gold chocolate wrapper in my pocket, you can have it if you want." Paris offers.

"So...I give this to the people at the airport, then I go to Hollywood, bitches?"

The Judges reply simultaneously:

"Yes." says Paris.

"No." says Arrow.

"Fuck you." says Mika.

"Thaaankk youu bitchess!" Truska squeals, hugging her gold wrapper and trotting out of the Hall.

"In the words of StayBeautiful1...HOLY TITS. WHEN DOES THIS END?" wails Mika, taking a headache pill.

"What's that?" Roxy gasps suddenly, pointing at the backdrop. There are a pair of feet poking out from underneath.

The security guards advance on the feet, then rip down the backdrop, revealling...

"LARTEN CREPSLEY!"

"You were NOT just peeking in on that audition..."

Oh...DAWG. NASTY. She has beard down to there!"

"You're beautiful but not right for this comp- wait, has he done his audition yet?"

"How many pills have you taken today? Honestly Paris?"

"Larten and Truska. Oh wow. I thought this was reserved for the lowest level of Movie Hell. WAIT TILL THE FANGIRLS HEAR THIS!"

Then, a new voice booms into the Hall:

"OH NO HE DI-INT!"

"Look who it is..."

"Oh Larty, you're fucked now, my friend!"

"Laaadies and gentlemen, give a warm Vampire Mountain welcome to one of our own, the lean mean legitimate ARRA SAILS!"

* * *

I'll be the first to admit this story is a piece of crap, these are really not as easy to write as they look. Just hang in till voting time! It's not too far now!

Blah blah, DS owns the characters, Britney owns the song, which I actually like. Dumb it may be, but it's catchy. I always knew I'd put it with a Cirque character!

Night guyys.

RXP


End file.
